Five Times Jim Kirk BS'd His Way Through Something
by Lady Merlin
Summary: and The One Time He Didn't Bother. Yeah, another long title. K/S eventually. I suppose. Some bad words and utter Jim-ish-ness. That deserves a warning, no? 6-shot!
1. Chapter 1

This fic is known as 'The Five Times Jim Crapped His Way Out Of A Situation, and The One Time He Didn't'. The title says all, yeah? I own NOTHIN'!

"Uhh. Okay, look. So what _really_ happened was that Sam," Jim pointed at his elder brother, who was sitting behind a counter, looking abashed, "decided he wanted uhh. Honey, and uh. Pancakes. Yeah. That. So I decided, being the awesome little brother I am," Jim fluttered his eyelids fake-modestly, "I decided to help him. So I took out the pan, and the pancake mixture."

His mother stood in front of him, dressed in a gown and heels, with a clutch in her hand, hands on hips, looking undecided between angry and amused.

"And why, might I ask, didn't you replicate it?" Winona asked, matter-of-factly.

"Uh," Jim said, never one to give up, "I thought I'd make 'em from scratch, you know? 'Cuz we're good ole' cunnry fowlk," He mimicked Mr. Peterson who lived four miles from them.

"Uh huh. And since when can you cook?"

"Well, Ma. I have a very _high_ learning curve, okay? I figured it out while you were gone."

"Ignoring the fact that it takes years to learn to make _good_ pancakes."

"Yea-No. Of course not. Sam knew he wasn't gonna get good pancakes."

"And how exactly did they end up on the ceiling?"

"Yeah, well that's where the rat comes in."

"A rat." Her voice conveyed her utter disbelief, and Jim ignored it with ease of long practice.

"Yeah. A rat. Like a brown furry squeaking thing."

"Are you sure it wasn't your hamster?"

"Of course I'm sur--Oh shit." Jim glanced at the trashcan, looking somewhat heartbroken. "Captain Awesome?" Jim asked, meekly. There was, as expected, no reply from the bin. His shoulders slumped. "But it had a _tail_!"

"Watch your language, Jim. I'm sure it wasn't Captain Awesome if it had a tail. Now you were telling me what happened?" Winona knew better than to be fooled by her son's already blossoming acting talent. She wouldn't let him get away with _this_ one.

"Yeah. So Captain Awesome was running 'round squeaking and Sam freaked out." There was a mild protest from his brother, but he piped down. He knew now to leave this stuff to Jim. "And he jumped on a chair, and the chair fell on me, and I kinda panicked and chucked the frying pan at him."

"And it ended up on the ceiling." She wasn't even surprised anymore.

"Yeah."

"Wanna tell me about why Jenny's in the bee-hive next door, malfunctioning?" Jenny was the household robot, who had more than once done the crazy stuff in Jim's plans, after he once reprogrammed her.

"Like I said. Sam wanted honey."

"With pancakes."

"What can I say? I'm just the loving younger-brother-slave-thing." Sam protested again. Winona quieted him with a glance. She knew the poor boy was no where near sharp enough to keep up with Jim and his antics.

"So you did _all_ this, in an hour and a half."

"I didn't _do_ it! It _happened_!" Jim exclaimed, blue eyes wide as they could possibly get.

She rolled her eyes and sighed, and knelt down and opened her arms for a hug. Sam and Jim hugged her. "What am I gonna do with you Jimmy?"

"Love me, Feed me, Never leave me, Ma."

Winona laughed till she had tears in her eyes, and it was a strange picture indeed. A mother hugging her two sons in a kitchen covered in flour and eggs and oil, a malfunctioning robot on fire in the doorway and pancakes on the ceiling.

_He reminded her of George…_

Well? How is it?

REVIEW!!!!  
Love,

Lady Merlin

--Party Like A Vulcan--


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you for your _awesome_ response! I was having a crappy day studying, and checked my mail and viola! So many emails! I love mail from FFN! Keep reviewing, yeah?

"Holy mother of god, _Jim_!" McCoy's panicked and somewhat sleepy voice came from the doorway. The tattered, bruised and bleeding Jim Kirk invited himself in. "What happened to you?" It occurred to McCoy that this was a question he really didn't want to know the answer to.

"Well. I was bored. So I was taking a walk." So many of Jim's stories started out this way. Come to think of it, all of 'em.

Bones was rummaging for his medi-kit and found it under a week-old pair of jeans. He found his smelliest, most painful antiseptic and dabbed it onto Jim's multiple cuts and bruises; Jim didn't make a sound.

"So I was taking a walk, and suddenly I was ambushed."

"On campus?"

"Yeah. By seventeen naked Orion girls."

Bones' jaw connected with the ground. There were two thoughts in his mind. 1) Yeah. Right. The other one was not meant to be expressed in polite society. And he guessed laughter wasn't a thought. He _had_ to see where this one went. "Continue."

"Okay, so they gushed and giggled a bit, and popped a sack over my head and knocked me out."

Bones made a sound to indicate he was listening, while he was struggling to contain his laughter.

"When I came to, I was in this dark cave lair thing. And _I _was naked. And all those girls were around me, each one carrying a whip."

"Hold up Jim. There was a lair." Jim nodded. "In San Francisco." Jim considered, and nodded again. Bones mentally face-palmed. The kid had an amazing face for lies.

"So you can imagine what happened. I was simultaneously attacked by all seventeen of 'em. And I know I'm _good_, but I'm not _that_ good. Still I took on like, fifteen, or sixteen," Bones had an idea that Jim was no longer talking about crazed women with whips, but something entirely different. "And I fell unconscious from plumb exhaustion."

Bones chose not to comment.

"When I came to, again, I was tied to this chair, at the lip of a volcano." There was a moment of silence, which Jim used as a dramatic effect and Bones took to mourn for the death of Jim's brain.

"In San Francisco, yeah?"

"Yup. So They told me that they figured I was their sex-god incarnate, and they had to liberate me the traditional way." Bones choked. "So they were about to chuck me into the volcano, wearing nothing but this sash with the words, 'Sex-God' on it. Then I opened a can of whoop-ass on them, knocked 'em unconscious and got to the other side where I hitch-hiked a ride with this stealth ship."

Bones really didn't know what to say. He didn't even bother asking how Jim had gotten untied from the chair. "So where's the sash?"

"Huh?" Jim asked, triumphant look broken.

"The sash."

"Yeah. The stealth ship was manned completely by women, and they kinda stole it. I thought it was the least I could do for them giving me a ride."

"Okay. Let me get this straight. You were out walking at one in the morning, were ambushed by not one, not two but _seventeen_ _naked_ Orion girls, knocked out and taken to a lair in San Francisco. Then they attacked you with whips and decided to sacrifice you, as a sex-god, to a volcano _in_ San Francisco. Then you knocked all of them out, hitch-hiked on a stealth ship, crewed completely by women, whom you were man-raped by. Then you turn up at my door at three in the morning, with not a stitch of clothing."

"Yeah that sums it up." Jim's face was perfectly straight.

Bones laughed till he could have _cried_. "You're an _idiot_," Bones crowed, laughing as he sterilized a bandage. Jim looked mock-wounded, but laughed as well.

McCoy wanted to know what had _really_ happened, but if the kid told him stories like this all the time, he wouldn't mind it!

Well? How was it? REVIEW!!!

Love,

Lady Merlin

--Party Like A Vulcan--


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